Of Totalitarian States and Democratic Institutions

From May 2006 until June 2007, I had quite a trying period, in case you haven't gathered that yet. I went from being a coordinator in a clinical trials office to being a manager in the regulatory section of the same office. It was a job I honestly thought I could do. I approached it as an opportunity, and a position in which I could have a positive influence. Yes, this is what I thought despite the fact that my immediate predecessor quit the job after only a few weeks. And before her? Well, no one was in the position for nigh on 3 years. Add this to the regular turnover of staff and your starting to get the picture (I hired 7 new employees in that year, and lost 9 mostly due to upper management).

In the end, though, despite my dedication and far too many hours of work, I had to leave for my own sanity. Apparently the fact that I took initiative was an issue. And because my direct supervisor put me in an impossible position (which she and others readily admitted on a regular basis) I was eventually to be seen by a vice president who only talked directly to me once as not having any potential. It got to the point that I felt like the punching bag in a boxing gym.

But that is not the end point of the blog today. The real surprise to this situation has been the long-term outcome. After agonizing over my decision, I took a job with a health system 80 miles from my home. This means that I drive 1.5 hours each day, each way to and from work. But it's worth it. I love my job. I am appreciated, depended upon, and (brace yourselves) regularly thanked for both my abilities and initiative. What a change.

But tonight came an even bigger shock to my system than having a great job. While being appreciated has been such a rare thing in my career, and I'm still wallowing in the wonders of my new position, I found out that it's not just my new employer who thinks that I have some intelligence to offer. Tonight I sat down and opened my e-mail and to my wonder, another job offer is coming my way. This is a job I interviewed for about 2.5 months ago, it's not with just anyone and I had given up on getting it. To boot, it's actually with one of the most powerful institutions in my line of work - the FDA (Food and Drug Administration).

To say the least, I am in great shock here. I have been beaten up for so long that just being thanked is delightful. Now this? The largest and most powerful regulatory body in the country thinks that I have ability and, gasp, potential? I'm still in shock over the e-mail and will have to look at it repeatedly to prove to myself that this is not a dream. And if it isn't? Well, wouldn't it be interesting to be part of an FDA audit team.

Success

I recently became aware of someone who's feelings seem to be dreadfully hurt by the success of an enterprise. The reason? Having been a former director possibly?

I got to thinking about this situation because, as I noted in my last post, I have recently changed jobs, including companies. Until now, I have been happy to report that my successors have not lived up to my reputation. This is always a wonderful feeling, no matter who you are. Just knowing that you are irreplaceable makes you also feel somewhat immortal. You will be remembered for what you can accomplish. You end up occasionally being more impressive in your own absence than you were had you stuck around.

At my last place of employment, for example, management is in the process of completely re-vamping the hierarchy of power. I personally had suggested this happen, and railed against the status quo before leaving. I felt changes were needed in management as well those we managed. I said it to a few people on my way out the door, although I don't know that I was only marginally recognized for having said these things. The real point here, though, is that as part of this process, I am being replaced by between 3 and 4 persons. This gives me somewhat of an inflated ego, and believe me I like to mention this in an effort to ameliorate the pain of leaving my employer of 16 years. Bottom line is that it makes me feel good to know that not only could I not succeed at my job because it was too overwhelming, but that many people agreed and thought that it would be overwhelming not just for me, but for anyone. In the meantime, I can feel like I held things together while I was there, and that no one can accomplish what I couldn't accomplish.

Knowing this is the plan for moving my former office forward, though, doesn't make me feel better about one thing - that they may succeed without me where they were not able to succeed while I was there. Knowing that there is a re-structering happening just makes me wonder if the office will be better now. If it is and I'm not a part of it, does that make me a failure? Should I have tried harder while I was there even if it was draining me heart and soul? Will they talk about how the office could have always been better had I just been better?

These are questions we all grapple with as we move on in life. And the feeling of not being missed, or not being wanted back is a hard one to grapple with as we try to believe that we as individuals are important.

Hiatus

I would love to be able to call the last 16 months a sabbatical, but that would be so very much an untruth....

Besides my son getting older and reminding daily of just how smart a 22 month-old can be, so many other things have happened.

I interviewed for so many jobs, I have managed to lose track of them. And I don't even want to begin to count the number of applications I sent out. Thank goodness for paperless systems. I would have single-handedly reduced an old-growth forest to stumps using real paper. I spent a lot of time at the University of Michigan, and some in Toledo, Ohio, with various prospects. I got a lot of second interviews and lot of bad offers. But in the long run I got a new job and that is what counts. And I'm still waiting to hear back from the FDA regarding my interview with them. Crossing my fingers on that one, even though the pay scale is awful.

I now work at ProMedica Health System. What a change from a the lifetime I have so far spent in academics. Future blog topics will now likely encompass the story of how this change has come to pass, how I'm fairing, how the family is fairing and how Sam is growing like a weed in mind and body. For now, I just wanted to check in with a short message proving I'm still alive out here.

Hope there are still a few of you out there reading...I may actually keep this thing up this time around.